Thursday, June 21, 2012

The key to all your dreams....if your dreaming about bullshit.

When I first saw the email I was pretty skeptic about even opening it, it was after all in my bulk and spam folders(which I was only even checking because I skim through before deleting them just to make sure I didn't accidently missing a customer's order somehow and the email ended up in the wrong place). I ended up deciding nope, gonna just leave it alone, just like the first 1429 that I have gotten previously, don't want to break the streak now do ya? Come on, i'm getting closer and closer to Cal Ripken's games played consecutively streak by the day and this is obviously harder when you really think about it. Without setting a filter to have them sent directly to the trash, banished from possible eyesight forever, I must avoid them purely by skill, skipping even the most difficult and skillful bullshit that avoids the automatic detection and ends up in my inbox. I bet you didn't know this one fact about me....I hold a black belt in bullshit, bullshit detection, and even feigning that I believe bullshit when really i'm already counterattacking with an even more complicated bullshit attack of words.

Anyways, back to this specific bullshit. IN CASE YOU WERE UNAWARE, IT'S REALLY, SERIOUSLY, GUARANTEED, 100% MONEY BACK GUARANTEED......ABSOLUTE STRAIGHT FROM A LAWYERS FILTHY MOUTH, PURE, UNADULTERATED, BULLSHIT. The only "dreams" this "money-making kit" would be the "key" to are if you were a kid and you dreamed of growing up to be a squeegee man, living under a bridge, no tent, no cardboard, wearing a plastic suit made of taped up grocery store shopping bags, looking like a god damn astronaut from hell, hoping to get enough laughs and pity that at the end of your "shift" you got enough money for dope that you can forget what bullshit that money kit you bought was.

Ok, back to this dream life I could have had if only I purchased that damn kit. The first hint that ding ding ding, it's BULLSHIT!!! is the part where you enter your email address and zip code and you find out if your "eligible" Right, so they actually expect me to believe that there's some guy in Denver Colorado begging, pleading, just trying to get his dreamless hands on this "KIT" and he's got out his $39.95/$19.99 or whatever price Mr. Madoff decided this new scheme works best with, and your denying his this privilege??? Weird. Just so so so weird. NOPE. JUST PLAIN OL BULLSHIT. I sat for 15 minutes entering random different zip codes, different counties, states, time zones, area codes. Guess what? DING DING DING!!!! ALL WINNERS!!!!! YAYYYYYY. EVERYONE IS "ELIGIBLE" to bend over, take a firm grip of those ankles, and enjoy! 

For those of you who don't enjoy the Quality Time with your ankles, think of it this way. You only got the 2 1/2 incher.....Bernie gave the last round of suckers about the whole yard stick. That's right! 36 inches of pure, titanium....and he sure as fuck didn't lube it up cause even his own family got what i'd call "The Full Monty"

Ok, Reason #2 how when you have a black belt you can spot Bernie's long lost bastard child's scheme...that awsome truly amazing, 110% believable, countdown clock gives you 5 minutes to make your purchase or OH NO, they are going to have to offer it to someone else, and they are ONLY allowing so many ppl this INCREDIBLE, UNBELIEVABLE, AMAZING, DREAM MAKING OPPORTUNITY. 

Phew. Thank God I made it in time! Can you just imagine how i'd feel if I had missed out on this? The 1 chance to make all of my dreams a reality, the big one, and I got so excited I had to pee, then I took so long my computer logged me off and it got me so flustered worrying about coming back too late I couldn't remember my own password. You know the rest. I really blew it this time. THESE NICE BUSINESS PPL MADE THE OFFER OF A LIFETIME, THEY WERE SO CARING, HONEST AND GIVING THAT THEY EVEN ONLY WANTED HALF OF THE GENEROUS ASKING PRICE OF $40, AND TO TOP IT OFF, THEY EVEN GUARANTEE THAT IT'S GOING TO WORK FOR ME AS LONG AS I PUT THE WORK IN. 

I've got good news for you, and then a little bad news. The good news is that in reality, for the first time in your life, your penis was thinking instead of your brain, and you made the smarter choice. That bathroom break pulled your head out of your ass, and you thought it was in the clouds. Your "dream" was about as dumb as those Islamic terrorists thinking it's cool to blow themselves up because right after they going to be chillen with like 4927 virgins, be able to take that stupid turban off in the summer and relax with a cold beer.

The last reason I can tell you it's bullshit....I read it.

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